"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:21-22)
I was listening to Dr. Michael Youssef this morning with Leading the Way. His chosen subject was forgiveness; more specifically he was speaking of forgiveness within a marriage, but this is a topic that covers all relationships in our life. Unforgiveness is a great contributor to both broken relationships and broken lives. We often think that by not forgiving someone we are somehow inflicting them with retribution and pain, unfortunately the person that is affected the most is the individual that has such a hardened heart that they can't even say the words, "I forgive you," let alone practice forgiveness. I know this personally since it took me almost twenty years to forgive my mother. At first I didn't want to forgive her, I felt that by forgiving her I was somehow validating or condoning her actions against me. Once I overcame that notion, I struggled with the "how" of forgiveness.
Today as I listened to Dr Michael Youssef I received some helpful points. I coupled these with some keys I have learned from my counselor over the last few weeks. Dr. Youssef listed three steps in the process of forgiveness. The first is to "attack the insignificant". We have all heard the often used adage, "don't major in the minors." There are times when this is good advice. But when it comes to forgiveness, especially in close relationships such as a marriage, it’s the small issues that will add up over time. We need to address them and let them go as they come along. This is to provide practice for the bigger offences. If we can't forgive the daily irritations like a raised toilet seat, scattered dirty clothes, busy body neighbors, or imagined slights, then forget the big stuff. Every day we are conditioning our mind towards or against an individual. When things start to add up, frustration grows until finally the whole field is set on fire. "Catch us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes." (Song of Solomon 2:15)
The second step in the process is to "arrest the incompatible". Unforgiveness is incompatible for a Christian believer. We are not to allow any root of bitterness in the soil of our hearts. "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;" (Hebrews 12:15) I attest to the difficulty of this task. In 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, Paul reminds us that, "...though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." If our warfare is not against the flesh than it stands to reason that we can't use the weapons of the flesh. We simply do not have the power in our self to overcome unforgiveness. It took me twenty years to forgive my mother. It required God leading me through personal experiences that softened my heart in such a way as to allow the seed of forgiveness to sprout. I couldn't achieve it on my own. Even when I wanted to; even when I understood the necessity for my own salvation; I didn't know where to begin. I needed God's help, through the leading of his Holy Spirit. Even today, if I allow myself the space "to go fishing in that sea of forgetfulness", I can bring old feelings of anger and bitterness back to the surface. These are incompatible thoughts that must be arrested.
"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)
My counselor introduced a concept to me recently that has been very helpful in understanding this and many other adverse feelings that rise up in my mind. He said that the biggest problem Christians have in the battle of their minds is "over appraisal". In considering this, I have found that most of the emotional problems I experience, most of the causes for my fears and worries, and often the primary reasons I can't forgive can be summed up with three statements: I believe that my thoughts (or those of others) are a source of truth. I believe that my feelings are indicators of reality, and I believe that my memories are forecasters of the future. In reality, there is only one source of absolute truth and that is God. His word is truth and is frequently contrary to my thoughts. Feelings should never be judged as a solid foothold for reality; they are undependable and subjective. While the past, though providing incite for the future, does not provide a trustworthy forecast. God is the beginning and the end...the future is held in his hands.
So how do we forgive? We must first cry out to God for help, true forgiveness will require the assistance of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Grant it free, unencumbered control of our life and mind. Then we must objectively analyze our thoughts and feelings. Do I have a right to be angry; maybe, but I never have the right to retribution, and unforgiveness is an incompatibility as a believer. Let’s face it; I do not have the capacity to rightly perceive the scales of justice when it comes to the motives of a man's heart. I can only judge based on what I see or experience for only God can see the heart of man. God sees what we hide in our hearts and he knows what can be achieved in a man when forgiveness is given and the Holy Spirit is allowed to function in that life. Remember, God desires that all men be saved and come to the knowledge of Christ. (1Timothy 2:4, 2 Peter 3:9). Do I feel hurt? Yes, God created humans with feelings so that we could experience and relate to the world around us, but I should never allow those feelings to control me.
Do I know what the future will bring? No, so neither can I judge a person based upon what I think they might do in the future. I'm sure the Christians of Damascus thought they knew what Saul would do once he reached their town; they based their assumptions on his past behavior. But they could never have imagined what would happen once God got Saul's attention, forgave him for his past sins and converted his heart, changing him from a Saul to a Paul.
The last crucial step is to genuinely pray for my offender. I have found when I can find a reason to empathize; I can find the heart to pray. The final key that helped me forgive my mother was recognizing that she had grownup as abused as I was. Sadly, unlike me, she was never given a hand up. No one ever made the effort to save her, to comfort her, to help her understand that the abuse wasn't her fault. Once I realized that, I was able to feel genuine sorrow for her loss and so, although it did not excuse her actions towards me, I could find it in myself to forgive her; even eventually to pray heartfelt prayers for her.
The last step given by Dr. Michael Youseff was the need to "attain your identity". I am a new creation in Christ. I have been given new life and forgiveness from sins because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. So if I have been forgiven, I cannot in return refuse to forgive someone else. (Matthew 18:23-35) Besides, the real offense is not against me but against God as David realized in Psalm 51:4 “Against you, you only, have I sinned, and done this evil in your sight: that you might be justified when you speak, and clear when you judge."
So how many times do I need to forgive, 70 times 7; not 490 times. I need to forgive so many times that I lose count and must start all over again. I must never stop forgiving, lest God no longer hear my prayers and refrains from forgiving my trespasses. Forgive, forgive, forgive…70 times 7 times!
God Bless
Amy Charissa Warren
War-n-Peace
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